fash bash

I canapos;t stop my brain from thinking. Think think think. All day. All night. I canapos;t sleep. I canapos;t sleep because I am thinking about the heartbreak and betrayal. Ten months have passed and it still crushes and astounds me that I was so stupid and that she wasnapos;t genuine for most of the time I knew her. I canapos;t trust people. Iapos;m paranoid. More paranoid than before? I donapos;t know. Maybe I am. Maybe Iapos;m giving her too much credit.


I know itapos;s wrong to want another person to suffer emotionally or to fall into a black hole. I know this. That doesnapos;t make me want those things to happen to her any less. I think thatapos;s whatapos;s eating at me the most. She made me hate her so much that I want her to have never existed. I trusted her with being completely just me around her. I trusted her word. I took what she said to just be the truth when she claimed it was the truth. I was skeptical once. Twice, maybe. She got offended. Angry. Cried. I was right the second time. She reacted the same way. Then I found out I was right, that she had been lying about how she felt about the other guy. Suddenly, Iapos;m the bad guy for being completely devastated and pissed off instead of being her best goddamned friend in the world. I called her a worthless cunt. I told him I was going to kick his ass the next time I saw him. I was eventually talked out of kicking his ass. That doesnapos;t make me want to wipe that shit-eating grin off of his face with the business end of brass-handled cane every time I see the motherfucker. I know what heapos;s thinking. I know what both of them are thinking. "Ha ha. Isnapos;t Jeff a fucking asshole?"

I am a fucking asshole, though. That much is true. I do nothing but say true things. And you know what? The truth is that most of us are horrible people, and none of us want to hear about it. You deceive and hide behind facades and pretend you arenapos;t thinking that thought or feeling that feeling and at the end of the day, youapos;re so caught up in your own lies and petty games that you donapos;t even see that youapos;re all just as much the asshole as I am. The big difference. No. The only fucking difference, is that I donapos;t lie to people. I donapos;t try to hurt people. I just say things that are true. I say things people donapos;t want to hear. Yes. That makes me an asshole. You know why? Because I know I do it. I know people donapos;t want to hear the truth. But I fucking do it anyway. And I donapos;t change. I stay the same. I keep that one thing the same. The thing people like least about me, I refuse to change it. "Donapos;t say that, you just shouldnapos;t say those things" is a thing people like her or Darya like to say to me to make me feel bad about being honest. And you know? It just makes me want to do it more. The less people want to hear from me, the more I want to make them listen.

I donapos;t want to die. It is my biggest fear. I have never seriously considered committing suicide. I fear dying. Everyday. But to be quite frank, I donapos;t feel like I belong here. With people. In society. And worse yet, very few people disagree with me on that. I have lots to accomplish, but if I end up in the same place 80 years from now, Iapos;m going to be really disappointed on my death bed that I wasted all that time.

I have a mid-term in Scenic Art at 12:35. My alarm is set for 10:00. I intend to wake up then. Tea. Maybe coffee. Big breakfast. And 7 hours of work on a Friday night. And 14 hours of work on a Saturday.

I suddenly feel as if I am going to burst into tears. Thatapos;s strange. I really need to figure out what is wrong with me. I feel broken all of the time. Like Iapos;m missing an important gear or cog. Are those the same thing? I donapos;t know. I just donapos;t feel much like I am a person. I feel more like a computer or a robot. Iapos;m so completely logical and rational about everything I do. I feel like. "Love? What is this... *beep* love? DOES�NOT�COMPUTE. *BZZZZZZZZZZZ*" I canapos;t figure out the most basic of human emotions because I try to conquer my love life, like all other things in my world, rationally and logically, when the very gender I and inclined towards is quite the opposite of those two things.



To summarize: UGH, WOMEN.

distribution law power, fash bash, fash bash 2005, fash bash chicago, fash bash detroit.