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Please think twice before YOU check that little box that states, "I can coach a team". Because, just maybe, there might be a slim chance that you CAN'T. Coach that is.

Then, when YOU fail to show up for a soccer game, yet your kid is there, and the person YOU supposedly asked to fill in for YOU thinks the game is 1/2 hr. Later than it is and fails to show up on time for the start of the game, YOU should be very, very nice to the parent that steps up and volunteers to coach YOUR team for YOU.

When YOUR husband starts giving crap to the Ref, who is also another parent of YOUR team, please realize that YOUR husband is a jerk. I know he's a jerk because he was also a little on the rude side to the parent who coached YOUR team.

Then, instead of sending out a reprimanding email, stating that YOU hope things went smoothly, when YOU damn well know that they didn't because two of the parents called YOU on YOUR cell phone to figure out what to do, do not reprimand parents "representing" YOUR team to be respectful. Because said parents who stepped up even though they have no soccer knowledge other than cheering their kid to score a goal, or stop a goal, may just want to literally kick YOU in the butt at practice on Wednesday. That practice that one of those parents has been helping you control YOUR own bratty child whom YOU insist is perfect. I have heard a rumor that said parent will be joining all the other parents on the sideline at practice and reading her book, to enjoy the hour of free babysitting.

Also, just because two of the boys on YOUR team will be moving onto competitive league next year, does not mean YOU need to borrow my pen every freakin' game so YOU can keep score. You see, this year? Goals don't count, we don't even have goalies YOU freak.

Also, if I have to hear about the time in High School were that girl sunk her teeth into YOUR forehead during a soccer game one more time, I may just sink something else into YOUR forehead. My boy doesn't give two shits about that when he's taken a soccer ball upside the head.

Oh, and if YOU could perhaps find time in YOUR practice to actually teach those boys about soccer, that would be really great. Because if you spend five minutes teaching 7 6-8 year old boys a play, YOU can't seriously expect them to remember it three days later in the middle of a game, can YOU? Especially if you're calling it by a name they've never heard of, such as, The Triangle Play. Maybe, YOU could teach them how to play Forward, or Mid though. That might come in handy. Or how to work together to defend the goal? Then, maybe we wouldn't lose 15-3 every freaking game. Even when the other coach feels sorry for our boys and only plays 2 players on the field. Oh, and everyone needs to sit out one quarter, even Superstar. Believe it or not, Superstar's parents want him to sit out. Especially when it's 102 degrees outside.

I have plenty more to say to YOU about YOUR idea of teaching our boys respect, like when YOUR son kicks the soccer ball into a fellow teammates head and laughs, then when the victim child complains, YOU tell victim boy that your son didn't mean it (um, yes, yes he did). Then YOU half heartedly make YOUR son apologize, he then refuses and runs off the field pouting, YOU follow and our boys all sit around for 15 minutes waiting for YOU to get YOUR shit together.

I know YOU'RE a volunteer. Guess what? So are the rest of us and we paid to have our child on YOUR team this year. Lucky us.

I would like to suggest that maybe, just maybe, when YOU have parents who go above and beyond, YOU thank them. Like the time YOU sent out an email saying YOU needed parents to show up an hour early to set up goals, and we did, but YOU didn't show up until 2 minutes before game time. Passive agressive much? YOU should have thanked us then. Saturday, when no other parent stepped up and the boys were just about not going to be able to play, until I stepped up and pretended like I knew what I was doing, a thank you would have been nice.

And a giftcard to Starbucks.

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