среда, 15 октября 2008 г.

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I feel so gross.. �I swear I had more confidence when I was heavier. I donapos;t get it. All i can think about is being thin. Instead of paying attention in class I can only think about what Iapos;m going to eat next and how many calories are in it. How can I get my confidence back? How can I feel beautiful again? I feel so ugly. I feel as if my boyfriend thinks other girls are prettier than me but all he does is tell me iapos;m beautiful. Why canapos;t I believe him? Why canapos;t I feel pretty and thin and desirable? : (

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diane sayers




This last weekend was fun kinda.

Friday nothing really which was great.�

Saturday�went�to Corn Maze.� Pic�to follow.� TOTALLY�FUN�corn pit.� I so want�one to play in everyday of my life.� Gary and I went�out there and met�up with a couple people.� One was�Janae who I have known since the 6th grade.��We caught up�on everything�and of course the conversation of hey "I was always hoping you and Gary would hook up" came up but that was short lived.��

We�had Janeaapos;s friends Daughter (3 yr) with us and she and I played around on the Hay Maze with�Trish. Then we�ran into Mike and Sarah and Z-Man.� We�all went into the corn pit and then the weather turned on us.

Janea, Kris, Hayden Gary and I went to Ruby Tuesday and were joined by Adam.� Now I freaked out when he came�up cause Janae invited him but didnapos;t tell us and he remembered me.� He was in Music Man�with us in 1991.� Gary of course usually gets�notices and remembered where ever we go when we see old classmates.��It usually takes a bit for people to place me.

Then G and I went to my house to change to go see Bright Light Big City by MMT in DT.� The guys were great.� The show a bite on the weaker side for MMT but you could tell the cast loved it and they put energy into it.� The sound was not good at all and I was very disappointed in that.

We left right after the show and got to G like 10 and I left and went home.

Sunday I slept a lot.� I got up and ran about 1.5 miles and just before I died I got home to fall asleep on the couch until Darren Called.� We talked about the show (from Saturday night) and also that he is going to be my neighbor in the same building in two weeks.

I got off the phone with him and was late for a VB reunion to celebrate our 2nd place showing.��I showed up about 6:30 (half an hour late) it was Gary, Marc, Tif and Mandy.� We sat around talking and munching.� Gary ordered me a Grilled cheese sandwich is exactly what I wanted.� We sat there all talking until about 745-8 and G left and then the girls left.� I had a couple of glasses of beer and was ready to leave.��So Marc and I stayed there talking until 11:30.

We are so much alike.� We think a like and watch the same shows. �We both showed pic of the dogs and just talked about everything.� We even agree on politics and how we see the world.� It was weird.� We found that the only thing that we didnapos;t agree on was our favorite movies an that is because we havenapos;t seen the other person favorite movie.

He has a degree in physics and a master in aeronautics and we talked about that stuff and then he remembered that I work at an insurance company which he does too. �He is a coder and we talked about that and projects that went horribly wrong. We had a blast.���

Then he stopped himself and asked have I ever been able to "doublethink?"��
All I said was 84�
He said yes...

I said that a dear friend of mine recently said that he was impressed how I was able to do that.� So the conversation took a deep turn and we talked about almost everything from Ethics to the contradictions that we both have from the way we think.� It was wild.� It had been a while since I had explored about my own feelings that way.� I really miss that.

Monday worked at UHG and then the clinic came home and took the dogs for a run and then to bed.

Today so far worked at UHG packed a bit CAUSE�I�MOVE�NEXT�WEEK YEAH Work at the clinic then figuring out what to do this weekend.� Justin and Heng are both in town Wednesday and Thursday so Iapos;m sure I will spend some time with them.

Remember....
make sure to tell those you love that you love them, no matter what...
Make sure your friends know how you feel...
try something completely new everyday...
and have fun today.

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вторник, 14 октября 2008 г.

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OK, so far weapos;ve been through the initial presentation of the disease and one crappy diagnosis. Now weapos;re at the part where House tries a dangerous experiment involving the patientapos;s treatment or lack thereof to assess the situation.

...Well, obviously my experiment wasnapos;t particularly perilous, but anyway.

So Iapos;ve been off of my meds for just shy of three weeks now. The vasculitis is back--not as badly as it was when I first got it, but itapos;s starting to really pick up now. I guess I have all of the Ibuprofen out of my system now, so it stands to reason. My joints hurt a loooooooot.

Ugh. So I suppose that means this really is chronic...? Iapos;m going to have lesions and joint pain for the rest of my natural liiiiiiiiiiiiife.

Damn iiiiiiiiittttttttt.

Well, there you go, an update. Yayyyyy for updates, even depressing ones. Even though this isnapos;t really all that bad; Iapos;m just good at whining.

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approval seeking




Iapos;m trying to decide between voting for Obama and the Green party candidate Cynthia McKinney president. I have my absentee ballot, and want to vote soon so that I can get it in the mail and not have it cluttering up the place and possibly forget about it until too late.

Wisconsin does tend to be a swing state. Right now, polls are indicating that weapos;re learning towards Obama over McCain by a good 10. Of course, anything can change and probably will. I need to vote as if weapos;re going to be a close call because I canapos;t predict how weapos;ll look by election time.

Iapos;ve been going back and forth on this for months. I do like and respect Obama. Most of his stances are along the lines of what I want to see, but are still way too moderate for my tastes. They are about as good as itapos;s gonna get for me with any candidate who is actually likely to win, though. And I can see where having things go the way Obama wants them to go would be a good foundation for things to change even more progressively in the future.

McCain and Palin scare the crap out of me. I absolutely do not want them to win. So of course thereapos;s a huge part of me tugging at me to vote for Obama for that reason. But I did that with Kerry, and I regretted it. It felt kinda dirty voting for someone just because he wasnapos;t the other guy. I really didnapos;t care much for Kerry.

OTOH, I do like Obama for more than just not being the other guy. If someone else had won the Democratic nomination, it would be different. But of those running who were likely to win, I liked Obama best. I voted for him in the primary and hoped heapos;d win and was glad he did. I still hope heapos;ll win. I want him to win.

Whatapos;s the problem, then?
The problem is that a vote for him is still not me voting my conscience. The Green party platform is basically an outline of all of my political beliefs. The Democratic party is better, imo, than the Republican party, but not by that large of a margin. There are a small handful of Democratic politicians that I truly respect and believe in, and a great many that I despise and have no use for. There are a lot in between, but the point is that I cannot trust the Democratic party to uphold my political values, and I do not wish to vote for many Democrats.
Furthermore, I believe strongly in third parties in general, and even more strongly in the Green party. I believe that the two party system is wrong and very flawed, and that the only way to change that is to vote for third party candidates that we believe in as often as possible.
Where I live, it is often possible to vote for third party candidates for local and state offices. I do it often for local ones. State ones are harder because I do actually happen to strongly believe in two of my three Democratic representatives and the other one is so powerful people donapos;t tend to run against him, so there just isnapos;t opportunity to vote Green for those slots.

Cynthia McKinney is a wonderful candidate for the Green party. She is a former Democratic U.S. Congresswoman with a lot of experience and a ton of moxie She stands up for what she believes in and I happen to agree with a lot of those things.
Obviously, Iapos;m not expecting her to win. Third parties canapos;t win in a presidential election, or very many other major elections yet. The point in voting third party is to help them gain momentum, to show the two parties that people are dissatisfied with the way things are going and want major change, to support and help give voice to the party so that more people are aware of it so that they can win smaller elections, to vote your conscience instead of for the lesser evil, and to give some power back to the people and away from the big government and corporate machines out there.

This all works a lot better when you donapos;t live in a swing state and know your state will go one way or the other, so you can be that 5-10 difference who didnapos;t vote that way instead of being part of the 5-10 difference between the Sorta Bad Guy and the Really Evil Guy and thus making it harder for the Sorta Bad Guy to win and thus ensuring that the Really Evil Guy continues to have all the power.
And donapos;t get me wrong - while Iapos;d always rather have a Good Guy running things, Iapos;ll still take the Sorta Bad Guy over the Really Evil Guy every time.

So, Iapos;m stuck. I donapos;t know what to do.

This is your chance to get into my noggin and tell me what to do I donapos;t offer this up very often, so take advantage of the opportunity now

Give me some good solid reasons, one way or the other, to vote for either McKinney or Obama. If your opinion is for me to vote for someone else or not to vote - I wonapos;t listen. But if you have some thoughts that might help me decide between these two? Go for it. Let me have it.

I know some people feel queasy at the idea of sharing their political views with the public, so Iapos;ll screen comments to this. If you want them to stay screened, say so. Otherwise, I will reply and leave them unscreened so that you all can debate back and forth with one another if you wish to do so, further causing me to ponder the issues and make a more careful decision.

Feel free to pass this post on to anyone you think might have some words of wisdom for me, as well.

Alrighty then, go to it
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Faire this weekend was fun, spent mostly after hours there, but Sunday I was there most of the day. Got my letters finally (officially a voted in member of Port of the Black Sail) as is Nathan, Pet, Christian, and a bunch of new people. I hung out with D alot during the weekend and found her to be quite a cool person, first impressions arenapos;t always everything I suppose. Matrix caused some drama Nathan and Pet fought but overall it was a good faire this year. I finally saw Kirstenapos;s son. David and Misha came by, David didnapos;t even have a jacket haha. Yep. Iapos;m still half asleep.

In other news, today is Cory and Iapos;s 6 month anniversary... Oh how time flies when your blissfully happy. I love him oh so much, I even did the cheesy after midnight announcement, lol. We arenapos;t apos;celebratingapos; it per say, we arenapos;t in highschool after all, but itapos;s nice to acknowledge especially since thatapos;s a mini milestone. =] back to bed with my baby I go
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понедельник, 13 октября 2008 г.

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So... In the death filled 80s and 90s I learned to hate the fall. The way of nature is that things die in the fall, and like leaves, a disproportionate amount of friends made their final fall in Sept and October every year. Thankfully the death has been *much* less over the last 10 or so years but I still get the heebie jeebies in the fall...

My cousin Teddy died in his sleep early yesterday. He was 34 years old. He and his wife went to bed Saturday night and when she woke up and snuggled up to him yesterday morning he was cold... And dead. My assumption is heart attack but we wonapos;t know for a while Iapos;m sure. People wonder why I am so heart paranoid... The family line definitely does not lend itself to strong of heart in many ways.

I spent much of the morning with my Mom who couldnapos;t stop crying. I went online and booked tickets for my Aunt and Grandma to fly back to Kansas this morning so they canapos;t do what they need to bring him home to California. I didnapos;t have it in me to drive up to Sonoma to be with them tho so I went home and alternately slept all afternoon and made small talk on bear411.

Iapos;m surprised how much this hurts. Honestly Teddy and I havenapos;t been remotely close since he and I were young. Iapos;ve seen so much death of friends I loved dearly and were much closer to... But I didnapos;t babysit them, or have them look up to me and imitate me taking on my hobbies and such (to my constant irritation) like an older brother as a kid, or take them to see Raiders of the Lost Ark.

20 years ago when I tested poz the understanding was that I would be the first to die and my generation of cousins (the closest I have to real brothers and sister) would go on. Who knew Iapos;d start living past them. Iapos;ve spent years fearfully waiting for the morning that I would wake up and hug Bob and find him gone. Last night I spent most the night sitting up listening to him breathe knowing just how lucky I am not to have yet gone through what Tedapos;s wife did yesterday.

I really hate the fall, things die in the fall and it sucks :(
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I donapos;t mind a good mythology, but I think that, perhaps in the name of commerce, things are overexplained, exploited. I think some of the origins and sequels were better in my head, or, to be truthful, better left there.
I never wanted to see Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees connected to the Devil. Or Busta Rhymes. Or MCA-era Alice Cooper, reduced to a sad shell of the genius he once was.
I never wanted to see a sequel to NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (or THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Or RETURN OF THE TEDDY RUXPIN KNOCKOFFS WHINY GRANOLA JACKOFFS JEDI. Or SUPERMAN II.)
I never wanted to see the xenomorphs from ALIENS reduced to just another zombie threat (AVP, AVP: REQUIEM.)
I sure as HELL didnapos;t want the World Of Greyhawk to become another franchise, much less spawn a Gothic side universe.
The Force is not Space Hepatitis.
Darth Vader is not a crybaby.
Yoda fighting Dracula? Acceptable.
(Grudgingly.)
Superman has no son.
Lois Lane is not The Scarecrow in disguise.

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